


HURT

by the_rossi_team



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Break Up, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Post-Break Up, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 10:49:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19392574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rossi_team/pseuds/the_rossi_team
Summary: Toni's point of view after her and Cheryl went seperate ways.Everything has a meaning now and they can't go back if though they still care and love eachother.In the end,letting go is what they both shoud do.Maybe Cheryl left,but loving her was not a mistake.





	HURT

**_It doesn’t feel right with you gone,_ **

**_It hurts too much to be left alone,_ **

**_I know I was never in your plans,_ **

**_But it doesn’t feel right in her bed,_ **

**_It hurts to know…_**

***  
****

**Toni’s POV**

  
Have you ever met someone and they’re so fucking perfect in every single way? 

And maybe, they’re not perfect to everyone else but they are to you.

They’re just absolutely amazing.

The way they laugh. The way they smile, talk and look, every single thing about them that they do, they just keep on amazing you. 

Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s clear from the very start, that the two of you, on some level are meant to be together. As lovers, as friends, or as something entirely different. You just work together, whether you understand one another, or you’re in love or just partners in crime. You’re going to meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, in strange circumstances, and they help you feel alive. 

I don’t know if it makes me believe in coincidence, fate or maybe just sheer luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something. 

When I met Cheryl, she made me feel again. I had locked my heart out to the world, and didn’t want to feel anything after all the bullshit I’ve been through, but she came into my life like a whirlwind,and messed up my life in a way that I ain't forget. 

I couldn’t regret any moment with her that we spent together. 

The thing is, you can be in a relationship for two years and feel nothing; but yet, you could meet someone and be in a relationship for two weeks and feel every single thing you wanted to feel. 

Time is not a measure of love. 

I told her that I loved her after a month because I felt every single thing when I was with her. Those stupid butterflies, pure happiness… everything. 

It took some time for her to say it back, but she did. And for once, I was happy.

But the thing about my happiness, is that it always finds a way to leave me.

We were toxic, and it’s ironic because even though we were meant to be, I think that we met at the wrong time. 

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. In fact, some of them love us dearly, and many of them have good intentions. But most of them are toxic because in a sense, their needs, and way of existing forces us to compromise our ourselves and our happiness. That doesn’t make them bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us.   
And as hard as it is, maybe it’s best for us to let them go.

Life is hard enough as it is, but it’s going to get harder having people in it who constantly bring us down. And as much as you care about them, you can’t keep destroying yourself for the sake of someone else.

You have to make yourself a priority, whether you have to break up with the person, even if you care so deeply about them. Whether it’s loving them from a distance, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful, you have every right to leave and create a safer place for yourself.

At least, that’s what I’ve been trying to convince myself as to why we’re no longer together.

See, Cheryl had her needs and her wants. We wanted different things but she wasn’t willing to compromise her happiness, for the sake of our happiness. And I can’t blame her, you must always put yourself first, even if it meant breaking someone’s heart. Breaking my heart.

I simply cannot hate her. 

Our relationship was toxic. We loved each other but it was a constant back and forth from bliss to pain, pain to bliss. We couldn’t be the people who we wanted to be. We were too tied up in each other. It didn’t help that you wanted someone else. It didn’t help that you didn’t love me the way I loved you.

Our love was real but maybe, it just wasn’t the right time.

You see, at first, I did regret her. 

I regretted ever giving her the satisfaction of having me so easily. I would lay in bed, awake at 2am, with tears streaming down my face, hating myself for allowing my walls to crumble because she said I would be safe with her. I regretted crying in her arms, allowing her to see me as vulnerable. Something I always hated was crying in front of someone, and I allowed myself to do that with her.

I would regret the memories we made at 2pm, and I would regret the late night phone calls, as I fucked up my sleep schedule for her, just so that I could hear her laugh and talk about absolutely nothing with her.

Now? 

Now, I’m just so thankful for you.

You thought me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with showing a woman just how crazy I was for her, it’s not my fault that you were incapable of loving me back the way I loved you.

You thought me my worth. 

And even though, I know I deserve more than you, I still wish for it to be you. I still wish that one day, you would come to your senses and allow yourself to finally let your walls down and let me love you.

Because of you, I finally felt what love was supposed to feel like, even if it was just a mere few months. 

It was the best months of my life. 

I am forever grateful for you.

***

“ _It was probably my fault for getting so damn attached to you,_ ” I whispered in your ear, as I held you close to me, afraid that if I were to let you go, you would leave again. “ _Both of us knew that you would leave eventually._ ” 

You looked at me with so much concern in your eyes, as if you had never meant to hurt me the way you did. And I think you had never set out to intentionally hurt me. Just that, in the end, you had a choice between breaking your heart or mine. 

Unfortunately for me, you chose to break mine. 

“ _I mean, really we were bound to end, and you were bound to be the one to end it._ ” I sighed. Because I was too in love with you to ever let you walk away from me. “ _I guess, I just kind of hoped that you loved me enough to fight, you know?_ ” I laughed trying to will myself not to cry. I was so sick and tired of crying over you. “ _Everyday, Cher.... everyday I would wake up and wonder why. Why it went wrong? Why it happened the way it happened? And why I had to be the one to get so attached. It doesn’t seem fair at all for me to be the one who’s still hurting while you’re off in some new romance…happy._ ”

You tried to pull away from me, but I held you back. I needed to get this off my chest, because if I didn’t, it would continue to destroy me.

“ _You…you don’t have to wake up or go to sleep thinking of how much you miss it, but I do. And it always hurts a little bit more each time, even if I don’t say it._ ” 

If I only knew to love you meant I would lose me, would I still do it? 

If I was given the opportunity all over again, would I still choose you? 

The answer is, yes. 

In a thousand lifetimes, all different from the other, if given the chance to fall in love with you, I would do it all over again. 

I don’t know if it makes me stupid, but I can’t help it.

You were my person. 

And what am I to do now that I’ve lost my person?

“ _TT…_ ” you whispered out. Trying to find something to say, but I knew that there was absolutely nothing you could say to heal my heart.

The person who broke you cannot put you back together again. 

I’ve learnt that the hard way. 

So you just settled with an “ _I’m sorry._ ” As you pulled away from me, I didn’t try to hold you back, because I know that this conversation was hurting you. 

“ _I know_ ,” I smiled sadly at the floor. “ _I know…_ ” 

I heard you sigh heavily but you didn’t say anything. I just wanted you to say something, anything. But all I heard was your breathing, as you willed yourself to not cry because you hated it just as much as I did. 

_“There’s just this void in my heart that I can’t fill_ ,” I patted my chest. _“I know I was never in your plan…but it just doesn’t feel right with you gone. It hurts too much to be left alone.”_

You turned and looked at me, for a split second, I saw regret in your eyes. And for a split second, I thought that you would come running back to me, but you shook your head and snapped out of it. 

_“It doesn’t feel right in her bed,”_ you whispered. It was barely audible, but I managed to catch it.

  
I keep telling myself that it’s time to move on, but it’s hard to get close to you when you have up a guard.

 _“I’ve been trying so hard to find anything that can just fill in the void in my chest,”_ I ran a shaky hand through my hair, and looked you in the eyes. Those same eyes I always loved looking into. _“You should know that it takes everything within me to delete when I’m sending a text.”_

_“I’m not good for you, Toni,”_ you told me for what I could only assume was the hundredth time. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t let me make my own decisions.

Why do you keep making them for me? 

What if someone who is so constant in your life, suddenly disappears? I don’t think I could ever recover from that heart break, and I’m seeing that for myself now.

That was always my biggest fear when I was younger. That was why I was always so scared to get attached. I never liked the idea of giving someone the power to destroy my heart by choosing to walk away. I wanted to guard myself. I wanted to save my heart.

Guess I failed, huh? 

People don’t miss the drugs. You won’t hear someone say that they miss heroine or that they miss cocaine.

You always hear people talk about how it made them feel, and that’s what they miss.

It’s the same way with people I think. You don’t always miss the person, but rather, you miss how you felt when you were with them.

You miss how they made you feel and the sad truth is, you know that you’ll never feel that way again, unless you are with them.

I’m still trying to figure out how one person can be both your heaven and hell. How they can be your source of happiness but also your source of pain. 

Your darkest place and your safest place.

The angel that brings you love, and the demon that breaks your heart. 

_“I don’t want you to hate me, Toni.”_ You said, taking my hand in yours. 

I wanted to tell you that I could never hate you, and believe me I tried to hate you. With every fibre of my being, I tried but it could never happen. 

And honestly, it sucks.

But how can I hate the one person that I’ve ever truly loved? 

You weren’t my first love, but I still and I will always care deeply about you.

I don’t hate her for breaking my heart and giving me the most unbearable pain that I’ve had to feel. 

I wish I did, but I don’t.

I could never.

It still hurts that I gave my all and it didn’t work out. Maybe if I had done something differently or said my feelings sooner, maybe just maybe.

We’re both in our 20s, and neither of us aren’t the people who we used to be a year ago. 

I’m not the girl I was when I met you and fell in love with you, and neither are you the girl I fell in love with.

Maybe we will meet again in a different city, a few years from now, or in a different lifetime. And maybe, this time, things won’t be the way it was.

Maybe this time you won’t abandon me. 

_“Please remember me,”_ you looked at me with pleading eyes. _“That’s all I want to say. Please remember me.When it’s raining on a Sunday afternoon, please remember the day that I told you I loved you, because I really did. Please think of me when you’re sitting in a coffee shop and you see someone smile. Just remember that I used to look at you like that. Please, remember me when you’re holding someone else’s hand,”_ you intertwined our fingers. I looked down and couldn’t help the pang that I felt in my chest. _“Remember how much it meant to you at the time you held mine, and love her just as much. Because you have so much love left to give.”_

  
I wanted to tell you to stop talking. I wanted to tell you I couldn’t love someone else after you. And I tried to. I ended up in another relationship with someone else. Unfortunately, for her, she fell in love with me, and I tried to love her back, but I couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, she was amazing, but she wasn’t you.

 _“If not to me, to someone else. But just remember how beautiful our love was. Remember the time I took you to that concert you were dying to go to, remember our late night conversations over the phone where I would tease you senselessly,”_ You caressed my cheek, my eyes fluttered shut as I enjoyed your touch.

Because I knew this was going to be our goodbye.

I think it hurts the worst when you stop thinking about them. But regardless of how much times passes, little pieces of them always find their way back into your life.

 _“Build off it. Make our love better. Love who you’re supposed to love. But make her feel just as special as I did, because I sure as hell can’t seem to forget.”_ You smiled sadly at me. _“I can’t forget the cheesy things you would say to me, and the way my heart reacted to it. I can’t forget the way you made me feel, TT.”_ You brought my hand to your lips and kissed it ever so gently. 

I didn’t think when I said this. I allowed it to flow out of my lips. _“I love you.”_ I knew I caught you off guard, but I needed to say it, even if it was for the last time. _“I have loved you for so long that it’s going to take a miracle for me to forget how to love you. And I will love you for a lot longer. I just know I will.”_

You smiled at me, and for a minute, you looked like the girl I fell in love with. 

_“I love you too.”_

***

There’s more to life than her.

There are cafes with cozy corners, where I can sit and read a good book without being interrupted. 

There is that sixty year old couple that walks around the park at 4pm every Friday afternoon.

There are rainy Wednesdays when I’m awaken the the light pitter patter of rain on my rooftop, and there’s Sunday nights where I’m going to pretend that I’m going to seize the upcoming week. 

There’s sweet wine to drink and karaoke bars to go to and scream the lyrics of songs with my best friends. 

There are adventures awaiting me in a far away country, and a woman that’s waiting to look at me the way I used to look at you. 

There’s more to life than heartbreak.

But right now, this heartbreak matters. 

Real love is chaotic. 

You’re going to lose control, you’re going to lose perspective and you’re going to lose yourself along the way. 

The greater the love, the greater the pain. 

Though, we aren’t together, and I’m not sure if we’re ever going to be together again, Cheryl was always going to be my greatest love. 

And even if she wasn’t here to stay, I’m happy the universe allowed her soul to stop by and meet mine.

The saddest end to a relationship in my opinion is where you break up with someone who you’re still in love with. It sounds bizarre but it happens, because the truth is, being in love doesn’t always mean you’re happy.

You can continue to love someone even after they’ve hurt you.

But you know deep down inside, that it won’t ever be the same.

There was one point in my life, that I believed that I was unbreakable, or at least my heart was.

You see, I always believed that I would never give my entire heart to someone, that I’d never give someone that power over me. 

Well, not necessarily, I always believed that whoever I gave my heart to, would be the one to never break it.

Was I right?

No. 

Until we meet again, I need to let you go, and as much as I don’t want to, I need to let you go so that I can finally start living. And I can be all that you made me believe that I was capable of, and maybe one day soon, you’ll be the woman I knew you were deep down.

It was truly an honour having my heart broken by you, Cheryl Blossom.

It was an honour. 

**Author's Note:**

> this has been the most relatable fic for me


End file.
